Closing the Door

You don't get to 30 without a few skeletons in your closet. If I'm going to start this love thing off on the right foot, I've gotta close the door on some past loves. First on that list is a boy we will call "The BF". As the nickname eludes, this is someone who I once considered my best friend. We were in high school (yes, I do know that was over 10 years ago, but love is love people) and I was head over heels. I'm pretty sure that he really didn't have a clue that's how I felt about him. We used to spend hours together, just laying in a bed at his grandma's house talking about the future and all the things we thought were important at the time. I remember laying there with his arm around me trying to will him into kissing me. If I just imagined it happening with enough enthusiasm I thought I might be able to manifest it in real life. But it never happened. At least never in the way I imagined.

One fall afternoon I got a call from him. This wasn't unusual as we talked on the phone all the time, but this time was different. He was nervous, I could tell by the way he hesitated between each word. He said that he had been talking to a mutual friend about me. That this friend had asked why we weren't dating and that it got him questioning it himself.

"Why don't we just date? I mean it's all there, the feelings, the intimacy, and we've just never taken it to the next level. Why not try it?"

I stammered through some kind of answer like, "Sure, why not?" When inside I was screaming my victory from the rooftop. It was finally happening, this thing I had dreamt about for so long.

The next morning at school, he met me at my locker and walked me to class. I remember when he reached out and held my hand I could hardly believe it was happening. A public declaration that we weren't just friends anymore and I was in heaven. Later in the day we had an assembly. The BF and I sat together with the rest of our friends, but it was as if there was no one else in existence except him and me. And I knew what would happen next, the kiss I had been waiting for my whole life. After the assembly we walked out together and headed outside. He stopped me at some point and I knew this was our moment. I remember it being one of those moments where he was talking, but I couldn't hear anything he was saying because I was completely focused on those lips and when they would meet mine. And then it happened, he leaned in and kissed me. Not a long, passionate kiss, but a short, sweet one. I opened my eyes when it was over and when I looked in his I knew, the fireworks I had wished for just weren't there. He walked me to my car and I drove home in a state of shock. What in the world had just happened? Why hadn't that been the way I had imagined it would be? Where were the fireworks? There wasn't even sparks.

I got home and went straight to my room. All I could think about was how horrible the next day was going to be. How was this whole thing going to work when neither of us felt any chemistry? The phone rang and I knew it was going to be him. I knew what I had to do and so I picked up the phone and said, "I'm going to be honest, it was awkward." And he reacted like I had lifted a giant weight from his shoulders. And so that was it. We agreed that it wasn't going to work and we would just be friends. But it wasn't the same. It just couldn't go back to the way it used to be.

And so we grew up. I moved away. We both dated other people. There was drama with a girl friend of his about us still being friends and so we grew apart. And we stopped talking. Went years without talking. And then I moved back to Colorado and here he was.

Seeing him brought all of the feelings I used to have. And I realized just how much I missed him. There is this voice in my head that says, "This person should be in your life." But it seems like things always get in the way. This time he has a fiancé who trusts me not at all and therefore hanging out has become almost impossible unless she is there. But we've set a date for tomorrow to finally reconnect one on one. I don't know how it will go, but I do know it's not going to end with the passionate kiss of my high school imagination. I do hope however that it ends in friendship and brings some closure to all these feelings that keep washing over me every time we're in the same room together. I still don't understand what I feel for him, but I know that I need to figure it out so I can move on. So we both can move on.

It's time to close this door, and open a new one.

The Big 3 - 0

If you couldn't tell by the last post, I turn the big 3 - 0 this year. Unlike most Gen-Xers, I'm actually looking forward to this transition into adulthood. The twenties for me were full of uncertainty, a general lack of direction, and unhappiness. They were also full of adventure, trial and error, and growth.  I'm happy and ready to be leaving all of that behind.  I feel a bit like I'm starting with a clean slate.  I'm not leaving behind all of my life experiences, but I'm finally feeling like I can accept them for what they were.  They have shaped me into the person I am now and I'm ready to share that person with the world.

I am entering adulthood with the knowledge that I am a strong, capable woman.  I've been able to make it on my own.  But the thing I have learned is that life isn't about what you can do on your own, it's about what we can do together.  I'm not just referring to the collective we, but also to the more intimate we.  The we that is a you and a me.

Therefore I have decided to make this year about making the me into a we.  Allowing love to enter my life in the most intimate way and shape the new direction I will travel.  Although the idea of allowing myself to experience that kind of vulerability scares me, I'm ready for the challenge.  The ups and the downs, the awkward and the intimiate, the highs and the lows.  I will be sharing the journey here, as much for myself, as to share it with the world.  I hope you'll join me and share your own journey as well.  It's going to be a fun ride.

res·o·lu·tion

/ˌrezəˈlo͞oSHən/

Noun
1. A firm decision to do or not to do something.
2. The action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter.
3. The conversion of something abstract into another form.

Synonyms
decision - determination - resolve - solution

The beginning of a new year is always a little bittersweet. I find myself reflecting on the year that has past. There are fond memories: moving back to Colorado, reuniting with friends, and reconnecting with family. There are also regrets: not losing the weight, not making more new friends, and not putting myself out there. The disappointment of leaving last year's resolutions unfulfilled. This is why I have decided to do something different this year. 

Instead of a resolution, I am choosing a theme.  A mantra to live by for the year. 

This year's theme: love. Love for myself, love for others, love for humanity, love for the earth, and most of all true love.  I want to be open to it, receive it, and pay it forward in all the ways I can.

Thirty is for love.